Morte Michael
by Soy
Summary: An epic poem in medieval Arthurian style about how Brave Young Jim saves Fair Maiden Pam from the evil King Michael Scott. Ridiculous.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Office or the Stanzaic Morte Arthure.

**Spoilers:** I make random references throughout, but nothing too spoiler-y ever.

**Author's Note: **Since I met the Queen of England today, I want to write a surreal story. So, back-story: Tonight is the night of the Oxford Union May Ball, which wouldn't be that exciting except for the fact that _this _year it's a masquerade being held at Blenheim Palace. Amazing. So I stood in line for tickets last Tuesday (when tickets went on sale) for three hours and right as I made it up to the office, they sold out. However, my flatmate got a ticket (and really, could have gotten one for me if I'd remembered to give her my ID earlier in the day), so I've been helping her get ready all day. Now she's gone and I'm sadly at home and I can't help but hope that, all of a sudden, my fairy godmother is going to appear and make me a coach out of a pumpkin. Because I already met Queen Elizabeth II today, so, really, anything can happen. So because I'm sitting here really wishing I could be Cinderella, meanwhile reading lots of Medieval Lit for my 3rd week essays, I have been inspired to write this. One-shot, one sitting, just my style, to commemorate the day when I meet the Queen and miss the ball.

**Summary:** An epic poem in medieval Arthurian style about how Brave Young Jim saves Fair Maiden Pam from the evil King Michael Scott. Ridiculous.

**Morte Michael**

_In the tone and style of the Stanzaic Morte Arthure_:

Once upon a kingdom fair  
A special boy was born  
With strapping arms and bright brown eyes  
And hair he wore unshorn.  
His name was Jim and everyone said  
That he would lead a happy life,  
But when he was young, a terrible fate,  
Threw him into strife. 

Kidnapped by the Warehouse People  
Led by the evil King Michael Scott,  
Jim was forced to shovel paper  
And happy he was not.  
All the other townsfolk were with him  
All were bound to misery  
But Jim did not give up hope yet,  
He said "I'll set us free!" 

The other townsfolk laughed and laughed  
And told him not to try,  
They said they'd all shovel paper  
For the rest of their long lives.  
For King Michael Scott was evil  
And he was not alone  
The Warehouse people worked for him  
To keep him on his throne. 

King Michael Scott was devilish mad,  
And told jokes that weren't funny,  
And when the townsfolk did not laugh at them  
He would not let them go pee  
(this was really the idea  
of the King's evil Underlord  
the assistant to King Michael Scott,  
Dwight the Prude, whom the King adored,  
Because a bathroom is a privilege). 

Though Jim shoveled paper for many years,  
For how many he forgot,  
He never gave up his hope  
To escape King Michael Scott.  
Then one day when working hard  
Shoveling paper in the mine  
A new prisoner the Warehouse People brought in,  
A maiden fair and fine. 

This maiden's name was Pam he learned,  
And she was fairest in the land.  
Her hair fell in golden spirals  
And she was soft of hand.  
Because she was so beautiful  
No townsperson was surprised  
To hear that one of the Warehouse People  
Had claimed her as his bride. 

Dark Roy, who was a Warehouse person,  
(though not the Foreman yet)  
Had declared that he would marry Pam  
When the beautiful maiden he met.  
And Pam, unable to avoid,  
All Dark Roy's advances  
Was forced to pledge herself to him  
And lose all hope of other romances. 

One day when Jim was in the mines,  
Shoveling all that paper,  
He saw fair Pam there weeping  
And asked what was wrong with her.  
"I do not love Dark Roy," she said  
Tears streaming down her face,  
"I do not want to marry him,  
but want to get out of this place." 

The townsfolk laughed as fair Pam spoke,  
They said her marriage she'd never escape.  
She might as well come to love Dark Roy  
For hope it was too late.  
But Jim did not laugh at the maiden,  
Instead he comforted her.  
"I'll win your freedom," he avowed,  
"I have to fight forever." 

And fair Pam then was overjoyed  
And profusely thanked young Jim,  
And though she did not want to admit it,  
She thought she might love him.  
Blushing as the thought came to her  
Fair Pam turned bright red  
And though she would not say just why  
The townsfolk had some idea in their head(s). 

When all of this was said and done  
And fair Pam's tears were stopped,  
Underlord Dwight the Prude rolled up  
On a big blue ball that hopped.  
And he asked what was going on  
But no one dared to speak  
Until brave Jim popped the blue ball  
And Dwight the Prude let out a shriek. 

"I'll tell King Michael!" Dwight then roared

"That was my fitness orb!"  
But Jim just laughed right in his face  
He was bold, strong, and sure.  
"I want to challenge to a duel  
Dark Roy, the Warehouse Man!  
And if I win I want to free fair Pam  
From the wedding Roy has planned." 

"You'll pay for this malfeasance,"  
Dwight the Prude then said,  
"By getting exactly what you ask.  
If you fight Dark Roy you'll be dead!"  
And to find his master,  
The Underlord then went  
While fair Pam clung to Jim's arm  
And thought him heaven sent. 

When King Michael Scott heard the news  
That Jim wanted to duel  
He called Dark Roy to his evil office  
To discuss the rules.  
"You will fight young Jim,"  
The King said, sure he had a plan,  
"And if he wins then you will not wed  
The beautiful maiden, Pam." 

"But I will win," Dark Roy assured  
Confident he could not lose.  
"I know," returned King Michael  
"That's why I allow these duels.  
You will fight young Jim,  
And certainly you will succeed,  
And when the townsfolk's hero loses  
They all will be bound to me." 

"They're technically already bound to you,"  
Dwight the Prude pointed out.  
King Michael told him to shut it. 

And so the date was set  
For when the duel would occur,  
And Pam was very worried  
That Jim might die for her.  
"Do not worry," young Jim said,  
Though he did not understand her grief,  
"Squire Kevin is my second,  
If I die, he'll win your relief." 

Jim did not think that he would die, though,  
And he told fair Pam why,  
He still owned a magic ring  
That would not let him die.  
This ring he got when still a child  
From the magic fairy Katy,  
She had given it to him in false hopes  
That he would make her his lady. 

Though Jim had never loved Katy  
He had taken her ring  
And now when he was in danger  
It protected him from everything.  
The ring was made of solid gold  
And carved right in its center  
Was the Purse of Luck, she'd said,  
A fairy's truest mentor. 

Whenever Jim's life was in danger  
The ring would keep him safe  
And when fair Pam had heard all this  
She felt much better about having him fight in her place.  
And though the two were overjoyed  
That they had this secret  
They were not the only two  
Who now had to keep it. 

White Angela, a secret witch  
Who with the townsfolk led,  
Had overheard this conversation  
And to Dwight the Prude she fled.  
"Jim has a secret ring!" she cried  
"It's inappropriate!"  
"I agree," Dwight then agreed,  
"It's inappropriate." 

So Underlord Dwight rushed to King Michael  
To tell him of Jim's ring  
And then King Michael summoned Dark Roy  
To share with him everything.  
"I know that ring," Dark Roy said  
"From when my men fought Katy the fairy.  
But do not worry, I assure you,  
The ring's magic does not work if Jim consumes no dairy." 

So a dark plan formed from Dark Roy's words,  
From dairy they must keep Jim,  
And when the young lad ate his daily sandwich  
He would be surprised what was fed to him.  
Instead of ham and cheese,  
Which was what he always liked,  
Jim was served plain ham and bread  
On the day of the fight. 

"Oh no, no cheese is on my sandwich!"  
A desperate Jim cried out.  
"Does anyone have cheese to spare?  
Or else my luck's run out!"  
But no townsfolk were served any cheese,  
At that fateful lunch,  
And so young Jim was worried then  
He was really in a crunch. 

Fortunately for Jim  
All hope was not yet lost.  
Maiden Kelly had heard his woes  
And would help him at any cost.  
"There is another lad so fair,"  
the maiden Kelly decreed,  
"That he is hottest in the land,  
And he may yet help thee." 

"I'm not a slut," Kelly went on,  
"But maybe, just this time,  
I can convince him to give me his cheese pita  
Because my junk-trunk is so fine."  
And off she went, the maiden Kelly,  
To pursue her quest  
While Jim waited nervously,  
Remaining with all the rest. 

This fair young lad was eating by his car  
When the maiden Kelly him saw.  
"Did King Michael banish you here?"  
She asked him all distraught.  
"No," the lad said, "I just like to avoid him on my lunch break." 

The maiden Kelly asked this lad,  
Ryan le Temp they called him,  
If his cheese pita he would give to her  
To help the brave young Jim.  
"Sure," he said and gave it over  
To the maiden Kelly,  
Who misconstrued this as romantic  
And then turned to jelly. 

So as to get her away from him  
Ryan le Temp lent Kelly his car  
To get back to Jim and the waiting townsfolk  
Who all were waiting for her.  
Kelly did not understand his motive  
And loved him even more  
But Ryan le Temp just ran away  
Trying to decide if she or King Michael was worse. 

So Kelly, sad to lose her love,  
Then drove back to Jim  
And proudly handed the cheese pita  
At once over to him.  
And though the pita was a little burnt  
In his mouth Jim stuffed it in,  
And now with dairy in his system  
He was sure that he would win  
(or at least not die). 

King Michael Scott knew none of this,  
Neither did Dark Roy,  
And when they approached Jim at the time of the duel  
Felt sure they would beat the boy.  
And Dark Roy, too proud already,  
Convinced that he would win,  
Took fair Pam into his arms  
And tried to get her to kiss him. 

Fair Pam shrieked and screamed for help  
To drive Dark Roy away  
And brave young Jim heard the maiden's cries  
And rushed to save the day.  
Dark Roy then let go of PamNot wanting to yet begin the fight  
But before he moved away again  
He told Pam he was looking forward to their wedding night. 

Fair Pam once more fell into tears  
As the men set up to fight:  
Dark Roy was on the left,  
Young Jim was on the right.  
"How will we fight?" cried Jim then  
As he courteously shook Roy's hand.  
"How else?" Yelled King Michael.  
"Flonkerton! The sport of Iceland!" 

Oh no! The townspeople cried all at once  
Flonkerton was the hardest thing!  
Give them swords, or spears, or lancing even,  
But not box-of-paper-snow-shoe-racing!  
It was too late now to turn back,  
Jim knew he must not lose  
And then Dwight the Prude came out  
With the box-of-paper-snow-shoes. 

"You know the rules," King Michael Scott said  
"First to the finish line wins!"  
And then the whistle blew and all at once  
Dark Roy was racing young Jim.  
First Roy was ahead and then was Jim  
Neither could hold a lead,  
And this scared King Michael Scott,  
Who wanted to succeed. 

"If young Jim wins," King Michael thought  
"Then the townsfolk's respect with fray.  
But I want them to laugh when they see me coming,  
And applaud when I walk away!"  
And so King Michael called to him  
His Underlord, Dwight the Prude,  
And commanded him to make Dark Roy win  
Whatever he had to do. 

"Of course I will do what you ask,"  
Dwight the Prude then said,  
"Why else would there be an Assistant Evil King?"  
"Assistant _to the_ Evil King," King Michael sighed. "Geeze, Dwight, how many times do I have to tell you?" 

So Dwight the Prude with the King's command  
Then went to fix the race.  
He asked the secret witch White Angela  
To help him put Dark Roy in first place.  
But White Angela, though she was a witch,  
Did not believe in cheating.  
She would not help Dwight the Prude,  
And so their love was fleeting 

And though Dwight was to give up hope  
Of making Dark Roy win  
Just as he was walking away  
A Dark Idea came to him.  
When Dark Roy and young Jim  
Approached him where he stood  
He would trip young Jim up  
And stop him then for good.

And so his plan went as he'd hoped  
And when the two men passed,  
Dwight the Prude stuck out his leg,  
And Jim tripped and lost at last,  
Fore by the time that Jim again stood  
The race was already won.  
He saw Dark Roy cross the finish line  
And all his joys were done. 

King Michael cheered and Dwight then jeered  
And Dark Roy grabbed his bride-to-be,  
But before the evil party could get too happy  
A miraculous sight was seen.  
From far away a shining light  
So magically bright  
Grew closer to the finished race  
'Til all those around had to close their eyes. 

Though most had never seen a sight  
As shining bright as this  
King Michael knew who stood before him,  
The only maiden to whom he'd ever bestowed a kiss.  
It was Queen Jan of all the land  
Come because she sensed ill work  
Who'd come to right all King Michael's wrongs  
Because she thought he was a jerk. 

And King Michael Scott fell on his knees  
Before the wondrous Queen Jan  
He begged for mercy from this lady  
But she just held up her hand.  
"Quiet, Michael, do not speak,  
I will not listen to you.  
I have come to right the wrongs  
That you now seek to do. 

"Young Jim should have won this race,  
For he was going to,  
Until you had your assistant cheat-"  
Michael interrupted "You mean, _assistant to_-"  
"Quiet Michael! Speak no more!"  
The bold Queen Jan now screamed.  
"I will undo all that's done,  
I will end your schemes. 

"First, young Jim, we'll say has won,  
And so deserves his prize.  
Just as he was fighting for,  
Fair Pam will not be Dark Roy's bride.  
As for you, King Michael Scott,  
Your jokes have gone on too long,  
From now on you will tell no more jokes,  
About red-heads, brunettes, or blondes. 

"And no more email forwards, either!"  
Queen Jan made sure to declare,  
"And no more 'That's what she said,'  
I hope all this is clear.  
And as for you, Underlord Dwight,  
I hear called Dwight the Prude,  
You are now commanded to be nice  
To make up for being rude. 

"And you, Dark Roy, you've lost your bride,  
I know that much is true,  
But there are other maidens out there,  
Who are more suited to you."  
And so Queen Jan finished her speech,  
All her punishments delivered,  
And King Michael, cowering behind her  
Then began to quiver. 

"How did you know of all of this?" he asked,  
"How did you know, Queen Jan?"  
"HR Toby rushed to tell me everything,  
He told me all of your plans."  
"Toby is the death of all fun!"  
But know matter how much King Michael complained  
His evil-doing days were done. 

Once Queen Jan freed the maiden, fair Pam,  
Back to her home she wanted to go

But before she could leave, young Jim stopped her  
"What of the townsfolk?" he wanted to know.  
"Well," said Queen Jan, "Though I like you,  
I need you all to keep this your career.  
Without all of you shoveling that paper,  
This kingdom would just disappear." 

And so the townsfolk did listen,  
And so they all agreed  
And though they were sad they all understood  
That the paper mine was greatly in need.  
"But because you seem like good people,"  
Queen Jan continued to speak,  
"I'll give you all a raise, you'll be paid money now,  
And you'll get a much longer lunch break. 

"And if you ever have trouble with King Michael again,  
Just tell Toby to come talk to me.  
Now I must leave you to your paper mines  
And get back to my castle in New York City."  
Queen Jan disappeared in a blaze of light  
Just as bright as when she'd arrived,  
And when she was gone all the townsfolk looked around  
They were free – sort of – they realized. 

King Michael Scott could no longer torment them  
With his sexist and racist remarks.  
He would have to work harder to be politically correct,  
While the townsfolk were allowed in quiet to work.  
And so the townsfolk were now happy,  
Still kidnapped but, hey, it was a life.  
Only young was then sad,  
Because he wanted fair Pam to become his wife. 

Fair Pam was allowed to leave the paper mines,  
He knew that was a clause of Jan's ruling,  
So she could be safe far away from Dark Roy  
And all the Warehouse People's drooling.  
So young Jim stood and watched fair Pam depart,  
Sad now that she would leave him,  
But before she could go, fair Pam turned around  
And said "I love you young Jim." 

Young Jim ran to fair Pam and took her in his arms  
And together they sighed with bliss,  
They would married, they then decided,  
And both run away from all this.  
A passing sea captain – whom hated King Michael  
And had only stopped by to gloat –  
Performed the ceremony, wedding Pam and Jim  
And then sailed them away on his boat… Ship. 

And here ends the story of that young man named Jim  
Who was both handsome and brave,  
And how he escaped shoveling paper all his life,  
And how a pretty young lass he did save.  
Together the couple, the fairest of all,  
Lived their whole loving life 'til the fin,  
In peace in a house with a terrace,

And far away from the land of Scranton.

The End 


End file.
